Life and Death

So, this post is mostly for me, to try and sort out my thoughts and feelings and to record them. I decided to post it online because I know many others may be dealing with similar feelings at this time.

In the first 25 years of my life I had very few experiences with death. When I was around 10 one of my brother's friends died in a tragic accident. I didn't know the friend very well, but he had been to our house a couple of times, so I knew who he was. When I found out I hide in my room under my blankets and cried and slept all day long. I didn't know how to deal with death. I felt horrible for my brother, his friends, and this boy's family. In my first year of college I heard that an associate from high school died in a car accident. I had talked to her a few times, but again it was not someone that I really knew and loved. I did feel for those who were mourning her loss.

As the years went by I knew that at some point someone I knew would die and based on my reaction when I was 10 was quite terrified of how that might affect me. I had no idea how familiar death would become. Shockingly familiar.

When I was pregnant with Cassia some of mine and Ryan's best friends were also expecting. We were do within a week of each other and I was so excited to be pregnant with this friend and have our babies together. Half way through our pregnancies they found out that their little boy had severe problems and wouldn't be able to survive outside the womb.

I was devastated. I knew it wasn't fair. I felt guilty for having a healthy child and said to Ryan several times that if they wanted we could give them our baby. It was so hard going through the rest of our pregnancies knowing they wouldn't have their little baby. I cried so many times for them then, and still sometimes now. They showed a lot of faith and a lot of courage and I admire them so much. I'll never forget standing at their little boys grave side service when I was 8 months pregnant and just wanting so desperately to take their pain away.

The next death come all too soon. A week before Cassia was born Ryan's brother died. He was disabled from birth and had so many struggles and hard times during his 21 year life that it was a sad and happy time to see him go. Sad because we'd miss him and happy because finally he'd be free from his earthly cares. Ryan spent the day after we had Cassia at his brother's funeral, while I was in the hospital. I can't even imagine the emotions Ryan had that day with a new baby to take care of and losing his brother.

When Cassia was a few months old we had another friend lose a baby, this time a few months before he was due. I remember talking with her and feeling of her strength and faith during her time of lose. I was amazed at her courage.

For about a year there was no more death that we heard of, but then in August after fighting cancer for 1 1/2 Ryan's father passed away. We were able to see him a few days before his passing. I was glad to have that time with him, but it was also very difficult. I had never looked in the eyes of death, and that's exactly what I was looking at. A great, independent man weakened so much. I'll never forget that time. Most of the time his passing is unreal. They live in Idaho and we don't see him that much, but when I sit down and think about it, the realization that we'll never see him on earth again is so much to bear. I worry so much about Ryan, his Mom, and sister. They relied so much on Dad and it breaks my heart to see them without him. I think healing comes with time, but right now is mostly just really confusing.

This month is when the concept of death has hit me like a tons of bricks. A cousin lost a 22 month old in a tragic accident, some friends lost a baby when she was 8 months along, and some other good friends lost their almost 1 year old to meningitis. Each of these I heard about broke my heart. I wished I could hug the parents, and again wished everything would just be okay. I think being pregnant and having a small child has brought all these situations very close to home. I look at my daughter and think of my son in my womb and I worry for their safety and wonder what I'd ever do if I lost them. My prayers are full of asking peace to be with these parents. I can't imagine what their going through.

Yesterday evening my brother called and told me my Grandma Law passed away. She's been ill with cancer and we knew that she didn't have much longer, but it's still difficult. I wish I would've known her better. There were some years growing up that I saw her very rarely and when I did it was uncomfortable. As I've grown into adulthood she's reached out to me, called me on birthdays, and I've gained such a love and appreciation for her. She was an amazing women. Such an example of the love of family and of forgiveness. She will be very missed.

So, that's where I've been. Over the last 2 years I've known 7 people that have died. You'd expect that if you were in your 80's or hung out with old people, but I think 26 is a little young to be having so many encounters with death. I don't understand death and I think it's horrible. I believe in heaven and I don't fear much for those who have died. I worry about the rest of us. Even though we may see them again, life as we know it is just one day at a time, and when someone dies those days are not filled with that person.

I think it's okay to miss them though. Listening to President Hinckley talk about his wife passing gives me that assurance. He missed his wife desperately and you could always see the pain when he spoke of her not being there. I do look forward to seeing loved ones again. I thank God for eternal families. It may be a long time, but we will see them again.